


The Hands of Life

by Mae01



Series: Marauders Modern AU [11]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Fanfiction, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Male Friendship, Marauders, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), One Shot, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Short One Shot, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 00:54:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30030558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mae01/pseuds/Mae01
Summary: Everyone has a hand in life like a hand of cards. Everyone starts with cards and you give some away, lose some, some get taken, some you receive and some you are stuck with from the beginning of life until the end. Everyone has a hand of card and life is based on how you play them."A soft sound interrupted his thoughts and a small smile fell on his lips. Standing up from his bed and walking down the stairs, Remus stood at the entrance of the small piano room and watched Sirius play quietly."
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & James Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter
Series: Marauders Modern AU [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138295
Kudos: 13





	The Hands of Life

**Author's Note:**

> This is a stand-alone work. There are other stories in the universe, but you do not need to read other stories to understand this one. There are some references to other stories but you do not need to read them to understand ("Scout's Honour" and "Graduation Road Trip").
> 
> I do not own any Harry Potter characters all characters belong to JK Rowling.

James and Lily had the amazing idea to rent a cottage for a week in Scotland as the Marauders for a small vacation. They had been getting tired and run down lately so they booked a vacation together to get away from their stresses. Tonight was the fourth night at the cottage and the entire day was spent inside because of the rainstorm.

Remus tossed and turned in his bed. He had been trying to fall asleep for over three hours and he was still wide awake. The rain continued to pelt against the window, occasionally being interrupted by a rumble of thunder and a flash of lightning. Remus was used to sleepless night by now, they didn’t affect his day too much anymore but they were still tedious. Remus would lay there and stare at the roof or wall, sometimes closing his eyes and laying face down onto the pillow. If he was anywhere else, he would go to a different room and turn the lights on to read in order to pass the time, but he was in a cottage with other people. 

Pulling his phone off of the bedside table, Remus checked the time before he flopped back down onto the bed.  _ 3:08 am.  _ It was late and Remus didn’t want to risk waking his friends. A soft sound interrupted his thoughts and a small smile fell on his lips. Standing up from his bed and walking down the stairs, Remus stood at the entrance of the small piano room and watched Sirius play quietly.

Sirius learned how to play the piano when he was younger, much to the approval of his mother. He was forced to play at least two hours a day and somehow through his despise of his mother’s strictness and harshness, he fell in love with the piano. He didn’t play much anymore and his family and the Potters’ were the only ones who had heard him play the piano. After three hours of rolling around in his bed and not feeling tired, he got up, walked to the piano and started playing softly.

Sirius’ shoulders shook as he played. Whether it was the coldness of the room or the display of his deep thinking, he didn’t know. What Sirius did know, however, was that his shaking shoulders would not interfere with his playing. His mother had made sure that no matter what was happening to or around Sirius that it would never affect his playing.

Remus knew that Sirius could play the piano but he had never heard him play. The song he was playing was one he recognized and one he had listened to many times. Noticing the slight shaking in Sirius’ shoulders, Remus made his way into the room and picked up a blanket from the couch, slowly making his way towards his friend.

“True colours?” Remus spoke quietly into the room. “I used to listen to it a lot. You make it sound beautiful.”

The playing of the piano slowed down for just a moment before the tempo returned back to normal.

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry if I did,” Sirius murmured quietly. Turning to face his friend, he sent Remus a small smile.

“You couldn’t have woken me if I hadn’t fallen asleep yet,” Remus answered. Motioning to space on the piano bench beside Sirius, he continued. “Would you mind?”

“Of course not, Moony,” came the reply.

Sirius moved slightly, giving Remus a bit more room to sit. Once Remus was seated he draped the blanket across their legs, giving a small relief of warmth. Remus sat silently beside Sirius as Sirius continued to play, eventually coming to an end of the song. As the last note died in the room, Sirius placed his hands back on the keys and started a new song.

“You can rest your head on my shoulder, Moony,” he whispered quietly. “It’s just me.”

Placing his head on Sirius’ shoulder, Remus smiled sadly. Remus and Sirius were best friends but they had boundaries between them because of James and Lily. James and Lily had never set the boundaries but Sirius and Remus felt the need to avoid certain things in front of them. One of those things was intimate contact like cuddling or placing one’s head on the other’s shoulder. It was platonic and nonromantic, but James and Lily would think otherwise. Unknown to Remus, James and Sirius would talk about Sirius’ feelings about Remus and how Sirius didn’t want to ruin their friendship by making a move. Unknown to Sirius, Lily and Remus would talk about Remus’ feelings about Sirius and how Remus didn’t want to ruin their friendship by making a move. Because of this, Remus and Sirius wouldn’t show this side of their friendship to James or Lily. They didn’t want to get the couple’s hopes up or put a false idea in their heads so they would only sit close or cuddle if it was only the two of them. Closing his eyes and listening to the soft music, Remus began to speak.

“This was the song I used to play a lot when I was a teenager. I would change the words though,” he whispered quietly.

“What would you change them to?”

“Say something, I'm giving up on me,” Remus quietly sang at the right moment of Sirius’ playing.

“Why?”

“It was about Lily,” he quietly began to explain. “I never gave up on Lily but I was giving up on myself. I would have followed her anywhere but I was giving up on myself and I had no desire to keep going.”

“I would play this song when my parents were screaming and fighting,” Sirius sympathised. “I never imagined that the Potters’ would take me in but they did. I used to play this song a lot as well.”

A quiet atmosphere filled the room as Sirius continued to play the piano and Remus continued to lean his head against Sirius’ shoulder. They were always comfortable with each other and everyone around them could see that. Late nights like these or movie nights between the two of them? No one saw that side of comfort or relaxation of the friendship between Sirius and Remus.

“May I ask a question?”

“Of course, Pads.”

“How long did it take you to realize you wanted to give up?”

“It took a while,” Remus admitted, watching Sirius’ hands glide across the keys. “I don’t know exactly how long but at some point it all started to blur together. At first, I didn’t want to give up and I didn’t. I didn’t want to give up but it got worse whenever I tried to fight back against Greyback so I stopped. I didn’t give up but at the same time I didn’t keep fighting.” A quiet laugh left Remus’ throat as Sirius started playing ‘A Whole New World.’ “I kept emotionally fighting until my last night of Scouts. Once I made it to Lily that night, I was so tired and exhausted. I thought I was done though and I thought I wouldn’t have to struggle anymore.”

Remus reached one hand up to wipe a tear that was making its way down his cheek. When he placed his hand back on his lap, Sirius took his right hand away from the keys and held Remus’ left hand, intertwining their fingers in a display of comfort while his left hand kept playing. 

“It kicked in around Christmas of that year that I wanted to give in. I was halfway through my first year of high school but I was so tired of life that at some point I realized that I wanted to give up. I couldn’t leave Lily alone though so I promised myself that I wouldn’t kill myself until the end of the school year and on the day of the one year anniversary of Greyback’s attack. I think it was around March of that year when I finally decided that I had given up. I guess, to answer your question, it took maybe three months to realize that I wanted to give up.”

“How long did it take for you to decide you didn’t want to die anymore?”

“I think that’s more of a difficult question to answer,” Remus whispered.

“You know you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“Give me a moment to figure out what to say.”

A light squeeze to Remus’ hand gave Remus the approval and confirmation to take as much time as he needed. Gently pulling his hand away, Sirius went back to playing the piano with two hands. The peace in the room was nice for both of them. They knew that once one of them left the room that none of the conversations would be carried over to another time unless they both wanted to continue it. They understood each other more than most friends would.

“When I woke up in the hospital after I tried to kill myself,” Remus started quietly. “I was so, so angry...”

“I’ve known you for years, Moony. What’s your definition of ‘so, so angry?’ You don’t get angry.”

Remus let out an amused sigh. Sirius was right, Remus rarely got angry and it only made sense that Sirius would be confused.

“They had to sedate me.”

“Are you kidding?” Sirius asked, his playing slowing down in shock but never stopping.

“No,” Remus replied. “I remember my life flashing before my eyes and starting to get closer and closer to the light. I remember feeling warmer as I got closer to the light but suddenly I was pulled away and I woke up. I woke up and for a second I thought I was in the afterlife and I had finally been freed.” Remus sucked in a deep breath and began picking at his cuticles as he recalled the memories.

Sirius saw Remus’ fidgeting out of the corner of his eye and reached down to hold his hand again. Shooting Remus a small and encouraging smile, Sirius turned his eyes back to the piano and continued to play one-handed.

“When I realized where I was, I started screaming and yelling and trying to rip my IV out. After they tried to calm me down and it not working, a nurse sedated me and I woke up the next day. I was angry for a long time and I woke up each morning wishing that I was dead. It took me about four or five weeks of work and therapy and medicine to finally not having wishing I was dead be the first thought when I woke up.”

A slight squeeze of Sirius’ hand encouraged Remus to continue.

“It took a long time and a lot of therapy to finally get to that point. I still have to work on myself to make sure I don’t fall into depression again.”

“What do you mean? You’re not just, done battling depression?”

Remus shook his head silently, playing with Sirius’ hand. Remus knew it was a misconception that people believed once you beat depression that it was gone forever. Maybe some people are lucky enough to have to never battle again after the first time, but many people have to deal with it for the rest of their life.

“Depression is a life long battle. I have to be aware of my mental health and if I stop trying or stop checking my mindset then it is a quick and slippery slope. Even if I am checking over myself, I can still fall into a depression episode. All I can do in those times is to keep fighting the negatives and just get through it.”

“You were given an awful hand in life,” Sirius muttered quietly after a moment of silence.

“An awful hand?”

“It’s what Mrs Potter used to tell me. She believed that everyone is given a hand in life, like a hand of cards. Just like in a game of cards, we start with cards, we get new ones, we give some away and some we start the game with and end the game with. Life is exactly the same. I started with the card of having abusive parents and I was able to trade it for amazing parents when I was 16 and I moved in with the Potters. You were given an awful hand and depression is, from what I understand of what you said, one of the cards you will have for the rest of your life.”

“Mrs Potter is smart.”

“That she is. Give me a song to play, Moons.”

“Don’t you worry child? Do you know that one?”

“I do,” Sirius answered with a smile.

The rain continued to pound against the house and the two friends sat next to each other and enjoyed the peace. Sirius continued to play the piano, occasionally asking Remus for a song request and Remus providing one. 

As the sun began to rise, Remus’ eyes closed and he slowly fell asleep to the sounds of the rain and the Sirius’ playing. This is where they both wanted to be, in each others’ arms and side by side. They both wished it was because they were more than friends, but for now, they were okay with it being a platonic friendship. Maybe one day one of them would bring up their feelings for the other, but that day wasn’t going to happen for a long time. For now and maybe forever, being just friends would be enough for them.


End file.
